Pauline Baird Jones, author, writer, romantic suspense author, science fiction romance author, steampunk, humor, action adventure
This isn’t spam, though I might have opened the email that brought it, if it had been. I mean, what a great threat to hold over the sig other.
“I can grow a new sig other any time I want!”
Copyright by WyoJones. All rights reserved. Used with permission

Yeah, this is a blog about spam. I suspect that most bloggers never plan not to talk about it, but almost everyone eventually gives in and writes a blog about spam. It’s either write about it or cry about it. And I just missed the waaa-mbulance.

Don’t get me wrong, without spam I’d never have known I had a muffin top. I’m old. It happens. 🙂 But going from that to cami-shapers? That’s really cold. Gravity, people. Have you ever heard of gravity? I don’t care what you stuff yourself into, gravity just laughs.

So, what was my tipping point? Well, for some, unknown reason, my spam exploded this last month. I mean, seriously doubled. Possibly tripled. Math has never been my thing, so it might be even more than that. And it was already pretty bad before the explosion. I have an email address that I can’t abandon, so I try to filter it into the trash and when it won’t go quietly, I try not make eye contact cuz that sometimes results in twitching…

Other times I’m just WT…

Like dirt movers and loaders.

Seriously, does anyone impulse buy a large piece of machinery from a spam email? Is someone sitting there, wishing for large machinery, waiting for their email to solve their problem for them? Because, you know, spam is THE place to solve your needs. (Can’t you just hear spam whispering, dude, you can trust us. We’re not really strangers…)

And then, I’m like, who thinks I need a large piece of machinery? What website did I visit that caused some algorithm to conclude I was interested in moving huge piles of dirt?

It’s a bit weird that some of the spam feels a little bit like “they” know me and some just makes me shake my head. But…and here’s a scary thought…

…what if, sometime in the future, some scientist stumbles across a list somewhere that has my name connected with these popular spam emails (popular means I get them at least once a day, sometimes more):

  • Giant blueberries/bananas – this isn’t too embarrassing, but remember, we’re talking profiling here. Why giant fruit? What if I wanted normal fruit? What then?
  • Real Russian Women and the Dating China Women variation – Okay, first thought is, who wants a fake Russian woman? I mean, come on. And there’s the whole offer OF women. I realize there are women who would be happy to meet a real Russian or a Chinese gal, but I don’t swing that way. I’ve been happily married for 38 years.
  • So I also don’t need the “married but lonely” spam.
  • Nor will I ever be a “force of nature.” I’m a girl. O.O
  • Not interested in three or ten questions that make women hot. I know what makes a woman hot. Menopause. Look it up.

I would think this is all random, but the spammers seem to know that I need to lose weight, or would like to, that I’m doing my taxes (though not a brilliant deduction in April), and that I might need a motorized wheel chair sooner, rather than later. The funeral thing, okay, we’re all going to die at some point. But how did “they” know my Lasik might need tweaking? (Note to self: get eye appointment)

Picture of a spam email
Needless to say I didn’t click any of it. When someone wants me to click here and click NOW, I just want to not click anywhere but the delete key. That’s how I roll. O.O

It gets a bit freaky cause I was wondering if there was something to make my shower safer and up pops the Aqua mat (no, didn’t bite, the reviews were terrible…)

But just when I wonder if I’m being watched (no, don’t have a webcam), I get a pile of e-cig spam. So, they don’t know everything. Bwahahaha. And that FlexHose, am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit creepy?

And what the heck are “marine essentials?” What ooze did they crawl out of and who told them it was a good idea to crawl out of that ooze and start spamming strangers?

And that eBook offering me the secrets to “success?” Excuse me? Are you implying I’m not successful and never will be w/o your book? In the corner you go with the cami shaper people until you get better manners…

So, looking at this interesting assortment, what would the future scientist conclude about what is clearly the bulk of my email? What delightful things could they misconstrue about me? Or would their brains just explode? And if they did? There’s a vacuum for that. And if you buy two…

So what do you misconstrue about me from my spam? I mean, why wait for the future to be misconstrued when we can do it today? All comments are entered into my monthly drawing for $20 AnaBanana (this month only because of aforementioned comments snafu in March — hmm, what spam will that get me?) gift card. Winner is announced in the first blog post of the new month.
Pauline Baird Jones, author, writer, romantic suspense author, science fiction romance author, steampunk, humor, Project Enterprise

Perilously and misconstrued-ly yours,

Pauline

When not being misconstrued by spammers and deleting spam, Pauline writes books. There is probably no connection between the spam and her fictional mayhem. But on a bad, spam day, a character does tend to die. To find out more about her books, pop over to her website at paulinebjones.com. Or you can check out her new release at these stores:

Amazon     Barnes & Noble     iTunes

Pauline Baird Jones, author, writer, romantic suspense author, science fiction romance author, steampunk, humor, action adventure
New Orleans. A girl. A guy. Bullets and bad guys. A normal day in the Big UNeasy. Well, what passes for normal…
What If Future Scientists Judged Us by our Sp@m?

13 thoughts on “What If Future Scientists Judged Us by our Sp@m?

  • April 15, 2013 at 10:15 pm
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    Oh, Pauline, I never thought of archeologists finding our spam. LOL. You know, the archeologists always decide what your religion was and what you eat. So hmm, based on your spam: you have ritual orges called Real with Russian and Chinese women who bear large fruit to honor your deity the earth which you carry with you via large machines.

    • April 17, 2013 at 9:32 am
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      LOLOL! I love it! I have been totally misconstrued! Classic! I might have to come up with a Misconstrued Award. I realize some spam just arrives and always will. But hummingbirds? What did I do that made someone think I wanted large machines? (And don’t get me started on the dirt bike magazine I get that I never subbed to! LOL)

  • April 15, 2013 at 7:34 pm
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    I didn’t realize I was supposed to avoid eye contact with the spam. Now you tell me!
    This was hilarious – for us anyway. Sorry about the spam for you, Pauline.

    I gotta go. I need to move some dirt with my backhoe.

    • April 15, 2013 at 9:23 pm
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      LOL! We laugh so we won’t cry. Yes, don’t look at the spam and let me know how the backhoe works. Now that I think about it… (grin)

  • April 15, 2013 at 3:46 pm
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    I often wonder about future archaeologists reading all the stuff with US on it. Will they think there was a country of We? LOL

    • April 15, 2013 at 9:23 pm
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      That is so true! LOLOL! There was a Sliders ep where some archeaologists were trying to figure out what parking meters were used for. I think they went for a religious symbol of some sort. LOL

  • April 15, 2013 at 12:57 pm
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    You reminded me to clear out the spam on my blogsite. The knock off, knockout performance enhancing drugs are bizarre enough. Why would any ever think I’d be interested in overpriced knockoff purses, sunglasses or makeup. Makeup? Me? I’m lucky to get avocado oil on my face once a day and that’s ONLY because I live in the desert

    • April 15, 2013 at 9:21 pm
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      I know! Some of the stuff that comes, I’m like, what? I forgot to mention the hummingbirds. I’m not quite sure what the pitch is, because I don’t open them. But I don’t usually open my email thinking, I hope this brings me random hummingbirds. LOL

  • April 15, 2013 at 8:31 am
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    How terrifying for future archeologists! What if the only email they were able to access was the spam folders? Would they see it for what it is–would they still have spam, so they would understand and bemoan the lack of any other email messages to shift through? Fun post, Pauline!

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