Dear Mom and Dad,
Our Son and I usually watch Smurfs in the afternoon. Normally this would make me insane, but my biorhythms plummet about them and everything looks blue to me anyway. Only this afternoon Our Son proved that miracles do happen by falling asleep, so I changed the channel to Oprah.
I've been wanting to watch Oprah for some time. It seems like everywhere I go people are always asking me, "Did you see Oprah yesterday?"
And I can only reply, "No, I watched the Smurf's Adventures. Hey, what about that Gargamel? Does he give Papa Smurf some trouble or what?"
I'm tired to getting incredulous looks and watching hasty retreats, so I was very excited to finally tune in and find out What America is Talking About.
You will not believe what they were talking about today. It was Wyoming!
Well, actually America was trying to find Wyoming. On a map. A big, fancy map right up there on the stage next to Oprah. Members of her Studio Audience were trying locate our Wyoming on that map. And failing, though one person did know someone who had driven through Wyoming once.
After American had given up trying to find Wyoming, Oprah looked straight into the camera and said in a big, serious voice, "There is an Education Problem in This Country." Then they went to commercial break.
I wished I could have told her, that though there may indeed be an Education Problem in This Country, the inability to find Wyoming wasn't part of it. No, its actually part of a carefully crafted plan to keep the state as low profile as possible. Wyoming doesn't want to get crowded with people like California or Florida.
How could Oprah, or anyone else in her studio audience know that? They come from states where their tourist commission's run ads like, "Alabama! We're more than old plantations houses!" Or "Kansas! Find out how fun flat can be!" Or my personal favorite, "South Dakota! Face it, we're fun folks!"
How could these people know that our commission runs our ads late at night so that only people who can't sleep or are afraid to leave their house will see them? Why, right on the wall of the tourist commissioner's office, cross-stitched by his wife, hangs our motto: Keep our highways clear for slow-moving tractors.
Of course, he has to run some ads in magazines to keep his job, and being an honest man, he tells the truth: "Wonderful Wyoming!" But he knows that no sane person believes ads and if they did, well, they'd have trouble finding it on a map. Though, to be on the safe side, he includes pictures taken outside of Rock Springs.
I can only imagine the nightmare it caused the poor guy last summer during the Yellowstone Park fires. Though I must say, he seems to have managed it brilliantly. All the news reporters I saw thought they were in Montana the whole time.
I heard a small, radical group of reforming newcomers (anyone who has lived there less than 20 years) have been pressuring the tourist commission to hire Paul Hogan to advertise Wyoming. Look what a boost he gave Australia.
"Come and see us," he could say. "I'll throw another wiener on the barby."
Fortunately the powers that be seemed to have put a stop that that nonsense! Guess it hit a little too close to home--wherever that is.
love,
pj