Dear Mom and Dad,
It is said that New Orleans has two seasons: Pre-Mardi Gras and Mardi Gras. Pre-Mardi Gras is a lack luster time for us non-Krewe people. We have no beads to buy, no royalty to announce, no balls to buy dresses/tuxes for. We have to settle for anticipating Christmas while we wait for the Mardi Gras magazine to appear on store shelves before we can plan our approach to the season of excess.
If Easter is early, Mardi Gras decorations in green, gold and purple appear almost on the heels of Christmas decorations. RV's and bleachers pop up along established parade routes and king cakes (sweet bread, braided into circle and decorated with gold, green and purple sprinkles, plastic baby inside) debut in stores. The Krewes announce their royalty and the Balls commence.
It is fortunate that Cinderella didn't go seeking her Prince down here. Not even a fairy godmother could get her into one of these balls. Invitations are scare and highly prized, despite the fact that non-Krewe guests spend their "magical" evening observing the festivities. That's right, only Krewe members -- and the select partners they "call down" -- may dance at the ball. Guests, even the ones who arrive in pumpkin coaches, only get to tap their glass slippers.
Since Krewe members are masked, Cindy's probably lucky she can't go to the ball,. There is always the risk of ending up with an aging frog instead of a buff young Prince. Krewe's are a rich man's game unless they are a rich woman's game, like Cleopatra, an all girls Krewe that throws, in addition to cups, beads and toys, bikini underwear with the insignia on the crotch. If you catch it, you must wear it.
No fear, mom and pop. No stripping allowed. You apply these panties over your pants. I did mention this is a period of excess.
Jonesie's favorite Krewe is called Tucks. They are kind of an anti-Krewe. Their king sits on a toilet throne and they throw stuffed shirts--or is it toys? I forget. I know they prefer to forget their tuxedo pants on ball night, in favor of unusual boxers.
The common people have one simple goal during Mardi Gras: get an obscene amount of "throws" in as wide a variety as humanly possible. Yell as loud as you can, "Throw me something, mister!" and reveal private body parts if asked by Krewe members. Throws include (but are not limited to) plastic cups, cheap beads, spears, coconuts, doubloons (rare), playing cards, and the aforementioned panties. Some Krewes also throw condoms.
If you fail to leave without a suitcase full of these useless items, you've wasted your money and our time. Come on down and join the biggest, "free" party in this country. Bring an empty suitcase, but leave your glass slippers at home.
love,
pj
(A version of this column first appeared in The Lovell Chronicle the 20 July 1989.)