Right now you might be asking yourself, “What IS male pattern blindness?”
It is the inability to recognize familiar objects that are in front of you, or in close proximity. To “see” those objects the MPB family member must be accompanied by a wife/mom.
Maybe you knew it, have lived with it, but didn’t know it had a name. (I refuse to call it a “syndrome.” Instead of working on overcoming it, i.e. getting a clue, MPB family members will form a support group, all of whom will then tell us to get over it. Oh yeah, and they might come up with 12 step program, which they’ll then misplace and ask us to find.)
So, whether you understand it or not, you might be relieved to know that I have developed a “secret” prescription or procedure for dealing (there is no cure that I’ve been able to find) with an MPB family member.
I first became aware of MPB shortly after the hubs and I got married, but it’s only been in the last few years that I found a name for this peculiar, and sometimes frustrating, problem.
How can a man who can identify and trace a fault line on a distant mountain, or see an elk peacefully munching grass on that distant mountain, be totally unable to find a gallon of milk in the refrigerator? He trained to be an observer (geologist) and at great expense, I might add.
Okay, I kind of get the inability to find keys. They are small and if randomly placed, can be difficult to spot. I swear, in my heyday (i.e. before I got old and tired and my brain decided to start off loading information, rather than retaining it), I could go through the house and memorize objects that I knew the hubs or the kids would want to locate later. Shoes, books, toys, and later, cell phones…
Because MPB is an affliction not limited to husbands. Yes, children (CPB) can get it, too. I think my kids thought I was magic, possibly even all wise and all knowing. Yeah, that didn’t last. But oddly enough, the MPB/CPB did.
So, I know you’re impatiently waiting to hear my prescription/procedure (and probably wondering why I have waited until now to share it with all of you.) Well, the answer is in the prescription. Read on, please.
Here’s a typical exchange:
MPB/CPB family member: Do you know where my [fill in the blank with any one of a thousand items] is?
Me: It is [fill in the blank with a thousand obvious places they could have looked–and probably did w/o seeing the object– before asking me].
[insert game show music here while MPB/CPB family member goes and looks for lost item and then returns empty handed]
MPB/CPB Family member: It’s not there.
Me: Are you sure?
[huffing sounds from MPB/CPB family member, sometimes accompanied by the “I can’t believe you said that” look]
Now the first thousand times this happened, I would stop what I was doing and go look. 99% of the time,the item was exactly where I said it would be. This resulted in a look of surprise from MPB/CPB family member and lots of lame excuses about why it suddenly became visible for me. I won’t repeat them here, because if live with an MPB/CPB family member, you’ve heard them.
So I began to alter the exchange thusly (and I can only share it with you now because my kids are all grown and the statute of limitations has expired on any charges said kids might bring against me. Not worried about the hubs because I don’t fear a jury of my peers.)
MPB/CPB family member: It’s not there.
Me: Here’s the deal. If I get up and I find it where I said it would be, then I get to kick you.
MPB/CPB family member [after pause for blinking and disbelief]: I’ll go look again.
Oddly enough, this seems to clear their vision of MPB/CPB problems, though not all of them.
You have to be prepared to follow through with the kick, if the MPB/CPB persists. I was gentle. The first time. Never had to do it more than twice. Never stopped them from asking, though. As mentioned, there is no known cure. If anything, the hubs has gotten worse as we’ve gotten older. As for the kids, I don’t know if they carried into their new homes. Not my problem.
So there you have it, the secret, and very well tested, prescription/procedure for dealing with a MPB/CPB family member. (There is a downside, if you’re wrong a lot, because the kids figured out they could sometimes bluff me by demanding a kick if they were right and I was wrong. I think I got kicked once.)
And obviously this won’t work in a place of employment, which is a pity. There are some bosses that could use a good, swift kick.
So, do you have an MPB/CPB family member in your life? Are you one? (If you are, could you explain it, because dang, it’s a gallon of milk, dude.) Feel free to share your MPB/CPB sufferings here. Because I understand. I feel your pain. And, if you try my prescription, return and report. I love comments and because I do…
Comment on any July blog post and be entered into the drawing for another $10 AnaBanana Gift Card of awesomeness.
Btw, I am sorry for the plethora of share buttons. It’s not that I’m needy (well, I might be a bit), but mostly I’m new to Word Press and I don’t know how to get rid of the one I don’t want. Maybe its Author Plug-in Blindness?
For now I’m perilously yours,