One of my darling nieces coined this phrase soon after an unfortunate intersection occurred between her gastic system and a nasty virus, resulting in the repeated hurling of her cookies. Now during said hurling, she would have been happy to die, but once survival was assured, she decided that’s not the way she wanted to go.
That got me thinking. Of course I don’t want to die, but it will happen eventually and on consideration, there are some ways that I really, really don’t die.
There are all kinds of bucket lists — things people want to do before they die, but here’s my “How Not to Kick the Bucket” top ten:
1. Any situation where I can be discovered without clothes. Like falling in the shower. I know “things” will happen after death. Don’t want to think about or know what those “things” might be. Just want to die with my clothes on.
2. Killer bee attack. Or any bug attack. Anyone else see the movie with the unrelenting killer army ants? Nightmare time. So, no bugs until I’m completely dead.
3. While I’m not opposed to wearing a feather boa, I do not want to be choked to death by a boa constrictor. Not as rare as you might think. When we lived in New Orleans where a guy died by “pet” boa constrictor. In an odd coincidence, New Orleans was where I also first conceived an interest in wearing a feather boa.
4. Do not want to get eaten by the Mega Shark or the Crocosaurus. Don’t want to ever see that movie again either. It is a fast tracker for Mystery-Science Theater 3000. Now had I been IN the movie, I would have wanted to die quickly. Probably have been the bad dialogue, horribly delivered that would have killed me first.
5. I do not want to get mauled or partially eaten a bear: black, grizz or polar. (This will not be a shock to my family who are aware of my “bear-mares.”)
6. I do not want to get sucked out of air lock. I all admit that this a long shot, since I write fictional space travel. But if #7 were to happen, well, the air lock might look good.
7. I do not want to be alien dinner entree. If the aliens don’t come in peace, but for the human buffet, I would rather die in the initial bombardment.
8. Global melt-down or global heat-up is not my way to go. Don’t like being too hot or too cold, so wouldn’t like to die either way.
9. Any accident that leaves me stranded in a hostile environment where I have to survive by my “wits.” Yeah, the wits would be the first thing to go.
10. Zombie attack. Tis is an odd one, because I don’t want my brains eaten, but I also don’t want to survive a zombie apocalypse (see above).
So, on this bright sunny (in this hemisphere) day, what’s on your “how not to kick the bucket” list? What’s your worst or favorite way not to kick the bucket?
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Perilous Pauline is actually Pauline Baird Jones. While she doesn’t want to kick the bucket, she has no problem kicking the fictional buckets of her characters. In her latest book, there is also a lot of Kicking Ashe. For more information about her or her books, visit her website.